This is the 1st time in my life I have ever really started to relate my past to how I am today. I am 36 yrs old and since I was 3 I have been abused one way or another. My therapist tried to make me go back and after the session I had so much anxiety I couldn't even drive to get home! I had to stay at a hotel, missed work, and felt like a drama queen. I felt so sick, full of fear and anxiety, and so very alone and helpless. I haven't felt like that since I was in my early 20's...I quickly made sure I put those memories and all the other ones back in my distant memory. Later, I had a little girl who died in my arms. They said she died from SIDS; however, as she died in my arms , breathing her last breaths while she was in my arms. That's when the regular beatings began by my husband and for a long time I was in a twilight zone and I think I actually allowed him to beat me; especially when I wasn't feeling well! I just want these nightmares, the fear, and the irrational thoughts to go away!