Hi, neiseluv, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). Sounds like you have hubby problems sort of like mine. I think it can take awhile to "train" them You have to keep speaking up. My therapist once listened to my complaints about how my husband did his chores and responded, "How long did his mother have him. . . And how long have you known him?" I got the message.

I have trouble with my husband because of our different styles; he is laid back and spontaneous and "solves problems" whereas I plan and like detail and lots of choices and agreement. We have a car in the shop getting fixed for a lot of money and, by the time the dust settled with what we should do (get it fixed, sell it and just have one car, "his" car, sell that car and buy another car, sell both cars and buy one new car, etc.) he was calling me/my ideas unflattering names and it took me awhile to think things through so I could let him know my brain storming ideas were not ridiculous versus his no input!

My guy has trouble too when I get emotional or, as you say, intense. Think about it though, how would you react if you had a sudden wall of fire in front of you? I think it's kind of like that for some people, an intense onslaught of emotion? When someone I care about gets angry I have trouble, or is upset and I can't think of a way to comfort them or what to say? What do you say to a crying baby? You rock them and say, "there, there, it will be okay" if you can't immediately figure out what's wrong or how to solve it? So, how should we treat our husband?

I think they need a little space. My husband is often complaining when I get intense that I'm too loud; I'm hard of hearing in one ear and do often get "louder" when I'm excited. We do tend to talk faster and say more. That's okay that we feel that way but I think, for our listener, we need to catch ourselves and slow down and think about what we want to say first.

I got tired of trying to pound through to my husband with my emotions so said my "don't denigrate me for trying to give you ideas when you have none of your own" speech and then made a list of 5 possibilities rank ordered according to what I'd like and gave it to him and told him I was "through" it was entirely up to him.

What I forget too is how much I feel I have "at stake" when I get emotional. I really want something. . . but why? That's another thing I need to remind myself of when I get so intense. Why the intensity? Does it really matter in the larger scheme of things if we have one car or two (we can easily get by with one; we're retired and are together 95% of the time) but I prefer having my own car. But how does that stack up with what would truly be best for the two of us? How much of my preference is just because it's "mine"? I ended up rank ordering what I wanted and giving it to him to decide what was best for the two of us. He had no real preference except the money situation; he personally has a harder time being in debt than I do.

Think about your husband's pat responses. They are kind of nice :-) How is it you feel your hubby is the "sweetest, kindest & sincerest person" that you've ever met? Because he says the sorts of things he says and they come true! What would happen next time he said "it will all work out in the end" if you suddenly smiled at him and said, "You think so? How do you think it will be, what do you think will happen?" Corner him into a deeper discussion Calm yourself down and state your fears and desires. My hubby made the mistake once of telling me he couldn't turn me down when I really wanted something. Sometimes he has a heck of a time resisting me, even when he believes what I want is not in my or our best interest. Sometimes I feel sorry for him because I do make decisions faster than he does; can "see" situations quicker and easier and without as many questions or explanation; at least I can feel sorry when I'm not frustrated :-)

So, what's happening with the car situation? My true number 1 choice (number 2 on my list :-) we're getting my car fixed. He's only getting fix what needs fixing now (it needs 4 new tires but we're not doing that now). My 5+ hours research on other cars that might suit our needs and our going to CARMAX Sunday (they're closed on Sunday, I didn't research that well) all for naught. We don't speak of the argument and his calling me unflattering names but I feel like I said my piece so I don't hold a grudge at all. I'm sort of glad he fought dirty so I got more practice on countering such aspersions on my character :-) and looking out for myself and self esteem. I know "my hubby is the sweetest, kindest & sincerest person that I've ever met;" sorry, haven't met yours yet.