Hi all.

I feel compelled to post today. Everyone here has been instrumental in my coming to terms with Sarah (see this thread). In a nutshell, she was raped at 14 and has had a lot of trauma. I just wanted to say I'm doing a lot better... at least I think. I'm getting to a stage where I can see the situation as a whole as opposed to lots of fragmented pieces. I've also realised that the search for consistency and logic in her behavior was futile. It just increases my frustration when I try to make sense of it, which is partly why I'm posting again.

Now my life has been far from perfect. I've been able to draw upon my own experiences to make sense of some of her behavior. But I have never endured abuse in the same manner as Sarah has. I think I can only understand to a point without having experienced it myself.

In some ways, and by no means do I wish to offend but I only wish to be honest with myself... but a small part of me has at times thought "can it really be tied in so deeply with the abuse?" Almost as if it's an excuse. I mean, she is a conscious individual who, surely, is aware of her contridictory behavior. I know when dealing with subconscious elements of course, it gets a lot more complicated.

I'm not saying I think the "abuse" factor is overstated - not AT ALL. I simply don't have the same point of reference others do... which is why I'm here.

I suppose what I'm asking for is just how "affecting" abuse of the nature that Sarah suffered can be. Do such events truly reshape and warp your entire reality - especially in light of the fact she never got therapy?

I've also had a chance for further reflection and there is something else there I'm curious about. Every male I know of has got a "vibe" off Sarah - a sexual one. It's VERY difficult to put into words. When her and I worked together in a bar the attention she got was phenomenal. It wasn't as thought she was being provocative and flirtatious, but she gave "something" off in her behavior - and not just towards men. At my mother's birthday party a year ago she was slightly intoxicated, which was often a time another facet of sarah would emerge. She danced provocatively with the other girls making them very uncomfortable... I don't think it's a conscious choice on her part but it comes down to this - the sexual component.

Her behavior and her inconsistency with the nature of love leds me to believe that for her, love (romantic and platonic) and sex are hopelessly mixed up? Am I making any sense?

In the end, my question (I seem to have trouble wording it, lol) is how much of Sarah, as she is now, is lodged in those earlier experiences? I underestimated their influence when we were together but even now, I suspect I don't fully appreciate their power.

And again thanks. This forum is fantastic. I hope what I've said makes sense because, to be frank, I'm struggling to make sense of it myself.