For so long, like a couple years, I was so happy and content with our decision that our daughter would be an only child. But lately these feelings have been resurfacing that I am longing to have another baby. What the heck is going on.

I am heavily medicated on class C and class D medications. Going off of them is not an option and could mean life or death because I was highly suicidal when I was not properly medicated. But getting pregnant on a class D medication is not an option for me. It is just too risky for the baby.

Not only that, but my illnesses are strongly genetic. I would not wish this he{{ on my worst enemy, let alone my own child. I am doing the world a favor if I do not produce any more offspring that could carry this gene and have these illnesses.

Our home is too small for another bed, and my antics a couple years ago ruined us financially to the point that it will take us 5 years to dig out from this hole.

And the best part? My husband and I are in a sexless marriage. So how on earth would we produce a child anyways?!! We haven't had sex since Christmas. Nearly 8 months. We're down to maybe 3 or so times a year. It's been this way for years. Our daughter is a result of lack of sex, I quit taking birth control back then because I thought I didn't need it but then it just happened one night and voila, the best thing that ever happened to me. She turned 5 yesterday.

I think it's partly her birthday that is bringing back these feelings. She's going to start Kindergarten in a month. She's not a baby anymore! And I always wished for her to have a brother or sister to grow up with.

When we were visiting a friend recently, playing with their 2 year old and 2 month old, my husband actually made a few comments, some joking some not, that we should have another child. I wanted to kill him. Here, he knows my situation with medications and finances, and he hasn't had sex with me since Christmas. Yet he makes that kind of comment. What an (bad word).

Then we were at a barbecue with some close friends and the grandma of the family actually asked me if we were going to have more kids! Basically told me we should! I didn't know what to say. Told her we had reasons that I couldn't really explain.

It's killing me inside. Because of this illness, I will never have another child. Even if we get our finances and our marriage figured out, I'll be heavily medicated for the rest of my life. I can never get pregnant.

And by the time we get the finances figured out, our little girl won't be so little so having a playmate for her just goes out of the water.

How do I shut off these feelings of longing for the child I will never have?

Funny thing is, back before I got married, I thought I never wanted kids. I'm horrible with children. And now I want more. Go figure.