Sorry for posting again and probably wasting your time.

Ramble commence:

I still feel guilty and empty and worthless and hopeless and scared.
I still feel guilty about feeling guilty.
I hate this, I really do.

I've tried St Johns Wart. Took it daily for 3 months and no effect.
I don't know what to do now.

I can't go to the doctors. It's too scary.
> What if they make fun of me?
> What if they tell my parents?
> What if they lock me away somewhere?
> What if they put me on medication and I have to tell college about it?
> What if they make me go see someone and have to tell everything to?
> What if it makes my health records look bad?

And I can't phone to book an appointment. I can't use the phone.
And even if I could, I would be unable to go to the doctors anyway.

Then I have a cousin who knows all this. She's 24 and is at uni. She offered to come and take me there if I was too afraid to go alone. But she's so selfless. I know she has neither the time nor money to spare to come and help me. So I can't be selfish and ask her too.

I can't tell my parents. They're the best parents in the world and they might think that they've done something wrong. And they don't believe in depression...especially from someone who has a good life like myself.

I used to see the college counciller, and it was just about ok talking about my past and bullying, etc. But as soon as she asked about whether I thought I had depression, I lied and didn't turn up to my next appointment. I just couldn't.

I can't talk to my best friend. She has enough problems in her life without me burdening her with anything. I can't lose her to my own selfishness.

Then all of my scars from self harm, I hide. And I feel **** for hiding them because it feels like I'm lying to everyone. So I tell myself that I'll just not cover up my arms/legs. But in the end I just end up covering up at the last minute anyway, or lie if anyone asks me about them.

No-one knows about this depression (apart from my cousin).
No-one knows about my self harm.
No-one knows about my previous suicide attempts.
No-one knows how when I shut myself in my room every evening, I end up crying.

I just don't know what to do anymore. No, that's a lie. I havent known what to do for a long time.
I just feel so empty, and scared (for no apparent reason) and worthless.
I can't even seem to find a scrap of hope left inside me.
Just a large hollowness inside my chest.

:Ramble finish.

Again, sorry for taking up the space on this board. I know you all have better things to do than talk to me.
So how are you anyway?

Bye.