Hello All completely new to the forum but I need some real insight that maybe my fellow "Bipolar folk" could assist me in.

Ok I am 23. I have lived with Bipolar my entire life. I am not currently on meds, ( I know interesting choice I'm sure) I have been on absolutely everything imaginable ( Lithium was admittedly the best as far as meds that allow me to maintain my integrity) anywho I have a very rough past been on my own since 11 blah blah blah I know.

SO here I am 23 and trying to keep it together. I am necrotic, hyper sexual and JEALOUS AS HELL!
I adore my boyfriend really,( he is the first bf i have ever had my age, (everyone else was 10+ years older) Sorta of an issue but not hes brilliant and I love that.... Anyway so The real issue is that he has a smoking fetish, I am a smoker and a good one trust me.
But hes stares and watches smoking porn and might i add barley watches me..... pathetic right.
YES
I do understand that it is an inanimate object and that the fetish is developed around it, but isn't it the person its connected to the sparks the arousal therefore isn't it always about her?
As I said I am a long time smoker and I question why I am not enough to fulfill his fantasies. I guess this is an issue of insecurity. When he looks i feel inadequacy like I am not enough.
Also he gawks, and blatantly too, I almost always put my cig out when i see him watching another girl smoke in my presence I feel so
betrayed in that moment its almost unbearable.
What's a girl to do d? Accept it or.......what!
I think the most insane things its pretty hard to deal with sometimes.
Or sex life is more then active, ughhhhh idk what to do help!

Ps. Sorry in advance for the erratic thought patter