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I suppose what I'm asking for is just how "affecting" abuse of the nature that Sarah suffered can be. Do such events truly reshape and warp your entire reality - especially in light of the fact she never got therapy?

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in a word, yes. Even if you get therapy those type of events have completely altered how you view yourself, your world and the people in it. it is amazing how one event can take your entire view of reality and turn it upside-down. When it is something that she hasn't even begun to work through or deal with it is even worse. everything in life is seen through the filter of that abuse and it is MISERABLE.

it is in human nature to wonder if that's really all it is... or if in some way that's being used as an excuse... but it is NOT an excuse...it is a very justified reason.

one event forever altered Sarah's world. In one day the world became unsafe, the people (especially men) became untrustworthy and dangerous, and her views were altered to accomodate this new and very real threat that she might not have ever perceived had she not lived through this experience.

that view of reality is very much present but it is one many avoid looking at because they do not want to see their world in that light... unfortunately, Sarah didn't get that choice.

Sarah's behavior is pretty classic of abuse survivors. she has changed her view of herself to fit the way the world now appears to her...and she does that because it is easier to believe you are somehow 'bad' or 'tainted' than it is to believe that your world just spiraled completely out of your control and you have and had absolutely no influence on what happened. because, you see, if you didn't control it then you can't do anything about it and it can happen again. does that make sense?

Sarah has this 'sexual component' because that is probably part of how she has redefined herself. she sees people as wanting that and that alone from her. after all, to her way of thinking, she's not worth anything else. that is all her abusers wanted from her and so she has come to believe that's all she has to offer...and considering that men are even more suspect than women, well she thinks that's all they want, that's all they are looking for... and so she's played into that. without seeing herself that way and viewing her abuse in that light, she has to see that it wasn't her fault and that she had NO control... that is scarier than it sounds.

compare it to the US and 9/11... we were a nation that couldn't be defeated, invincible..... and then we were attacked and all of a sudden we all felt exposed, threatened, afraid. it changed how we saw our nation, our world, and each other... and that was all in one day.

Sarah's trauma wasn't nationwide... but it affected her 'inner nation' her Self. it was a direct assault on everything she was, everything she believed, everything she thought..... it was her own personal 9/11. and it is devastating.

she is surrounded by all of that rubble... and she is only left with a ton of 'whys' that are never going to be answered to any satisfaction and a view of reality that is set entirely in her abuse.

it may seem like she has lived since that day... in reality, though, her body has grown up but she is still that 14 year old girl inside trying to figure out what happened, what went wrong, where she messed up or didn't fit or what wasn't good/pretty/smart/whatever enough about her that meant she deserved this.

to look at it from the viewpoint of a healthy person who has never experienced that...well it may seem extreme, but i can tell you that once something like that happens it changes everything. like how having one baby can change an entire marriage...

nothing is the same anymore and all she is left with is "why?" can you imagine how unsatisfying that is? her pain and its ramifications go beyond the actual event. it is going to affect the rest of her life. it has changed her into a person she would NOT be had she not experienced it.

so in answer to how much of her is lodged in that part of her past: all of her. all of the person she used to be died that day and who she will become is still stuck there until she can get help to move through it.

i don't mean to sound all 'doom and gloom' but i hope what i've said makes sense. it is difficult to understand if you haven't been there yourself. i hope i'm helping. if you need anything clarified or have more questions, please do feel free to ask.


shadow

and (((((((((((((Sarah)))))))))))))) because she needs all she can get.