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This morning, my husband and I had our millionth "disagreement", which resulted in us leaving for work extremely angry at each other. It's almost 3:00 now and this happened at 7:30 this morning. We haven't spoken all day, which is a little unusual.
It seems like all we've done since the beginning of May is argue. We've argued before, but it seems to keep getting worse and worse.
I have bipolar disorder, anxiety, and something else that hasn't been named yet. I constantly feel lonely and the need to be "loved" is overwhelming at times. I literally beg my husband to be more affectionate, but to no avail. I feel so unloved and am beginning to feel resentful to him because of it.
I've been on disability and unemployed until recently. When our youngest daughter graduated high school, I decided to get a part time job. I really didn't have an "active" hobby, my life revolved around her and my husband.
Well, what happens after high school? College.
That's when I really started spiralling. It seems like when I do have an "active" hobby, I go WAY overboard with whatever it is. Ebay is my weakness.
To fill this void in my heart/mind/soul that I've been feeling for some time now, I ordered a reborn baby boy. For those of you who aren't familiar with reborns, they're a doll that is remade into a lifelike doll. They look just like a real baby, wear baby clothes, etc. You can custom order them, or "adopt" one an artist already has made.
There's just something about holding a "baby" that I can't explain. I've tried several times, but to no avail.
As I've posted before, he and I are NOT on the same page, or even in the same book, as far as my hobby/attraction to reborn dolls are concerned. He has hobbies/interests, too, but to him, they are "grown-up" hobbies and mine are "childish".
We both work, we do struggle to make ends meet at times, but we're pretty much like everyone else.
I "adopted" this doll in May, and have ordered him some clothes, a little bed, and have shown him to my family. I sew and I designed him an outfit. I would say that I've probably invested $500 in this hobby. But, I absolutely adore this doll and I don't spend a lot of money on other things. This doll is my hobby.
About 2 weeks ago, I ordered a display seat/stroller from Badger Toy Company. It was delivered 2 days ago and my home has been a battlefield since.
Every time something comes up about this doll, he berates me. Belittling does not even come close to the way he speaks to me and about me. He calls me stupid, mental, dumb, childish, retarded, warped, deranged, and this morning he added "totally sick" to the list.
I've tried to explain my need for affection/attention to him and that this gives me an outlet for those feelings, but he isn't hearing me.
Other than arguing, we haven't talked in 2 days. I really don't want to have to "give in" and sell my doll stuff to please him. I've given up so much to keep him satisfied over the years already. I just don't want to have to give in one more time to make him happy when he doesn't give anything to make me happy. I'm just supposed to suck it up and act like a grown up.
Any ideas? Am I "sick" for having this doll?
Sorry this is so long, but I had to talk to someone and I don't really have any friends to turn to.
Thanks
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