to everyone!

Today I am...sick of my damn brain. Things have been going pretty well, you know? And today it's back to anxiety and self-loathing. Ugh!!! You know, I know one of the things that contributes, but can't avoid it. Looking for work. OMG, how I hate it. Once I'm in somewhere, I'm a good employee. And do this as much as is possible, though obviously it becomes a big struggle in certain modes. But I never ever go in with a slacker attitude. Sometimes I don't care a flipper, but give it my best go anyway. But looking? A whole 'nother ball of wax. Everything I can't do or completely fear doing just jumps out at me, can't imagine that anyone would ever hire me, underqualified (a lot), and it just gets to the point I'm immobilized and despairing. Yet I *have* to do it, there is no choice. So, I've been feeling vaguely like crying all morning and trying to pull myself up a bit before BF gets home (any minute now). (Have a hard time crying on meds, so it's more a core feeling.) So VERY unmotivated. Why brain?! WHY?! Cut it out already, huh?