You mention that you are merely a shadow of what you used to be. I know it's tough, but you have to stop ruminating about the past and focus on the present. The person that you are NOW. And then focus on how you can get better. Is it therapy, medication, exercise, healthy eating...a combo of all these?

Also, please don't feel guilty for focusing on yourself and your recovery. This should be #1 on your list. And as you feel better, the more time you will be able to give to your kids.

As for your fear of death...well, death is going to happen. So why should we spend our life fearing it? Why not spend our days living and enjoying what we can? Death can take us at the end, but it shouldn't take over our lives. I do understand how crippling a fear can be though. All phobias can be very tough to get over.

I'm sorry you are struggling. I hope you are feeling better soon.