Thank you all so much for your reactions. It's very helpful for me.

Amandalouise, i am really impressed by all the things you did in therapy. I have a looooooooooong way to go...

Reg12, I know what you mean by inner peace. If I manage to communicate with her, which is still difficult, especially to get in touch or to find her, it is so comforting, and indeed, a deep inner peace. Those moments are so special, but I cannot explain it to anyone - well, you guys clearly understand! That is great!

And nupoet 64, that encounter you describe sounds like my first finding out about her - something like an explosion in my head, seeing myself fall into pieces and then her emerging... very very strange. But it felt good, what made it even stranger...?