Broke up with BF last week cos I thought he's better off, and I was fine, or maybe my hypomania made it seem fine. Don't know if it was a BP decision or ME (judging by my actions the former seems accurate) I've been trying to convince myself that it was the right decision, no matter where it came from. Bare in mind that BF is also long time (10 yrs) BEST FRIEND, and it has finally sunk in that he will NEVER forgive me for my behavior last week, and rightfully so. He will never be a part of my life again, and it's MY OWN DOING, I'M A COMPLETE LOSER.

Having sui thoughts, and don't know if my thread is gonna be edited again, b/c for some strange reason, I write the typical BP things, but my threads always get edited (siting graphic,sensitive content which may trigger others, HELLO, that's why I use the trigger icon) I can't even be blatantly honest HERE So I have PURPOSEFULLY TONED DOWN THIS THREAD!!!!
Not sui cos I'm scared of ending up alone, sui b/c LOOK AT WHAT I"VE DONE!, HOW MANY MORE OF THESE AM I GOING TO SUBJECT MYSELF TO?
I'm scared of being alone with myself b/c I'm extremely sui and even tho I could find a million reasons not to, the temptation is there, and my SI urges are strong.

My new meds haven't arrived, insurance wants a motivational for the Risperdal/Risperidone, don't know when I'm getting the right meds.

I absolutely hate my depression (as do all of you) but mine is accompanied with psychosis (thus the need for a med tweak)

I'm scared and lonely and I want this hell I've created for myself to swallow me.

Sorry