Well, for me, I have always been comfortable GIVING, but not receiving. I couldn't admit even to myself that I had needs, and if I had been aware of a need, there was NO WAY I would let another person know that. I wanted to be completely independent and walled off. I really believed that my only value was in my ability to take care of other people - friends, family, even strangers. There was no way in the world I would let down my guard and let someone take care of me...as a child, my "caretakers" were anything but; any trust was met with pain.

In the therapy relationship, I have learned to receive. It's been scary and hard. For a long long long long time, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, sure that it was all a ruse and in the end, T was sure to hurt me like the people did in my childhood. I still have a really hard time with it - I sent T an e-mail just last night and asked for a reply. He hasn't replied yet, and I'm worried I'm going to be "in trouble". Probably what will happen is T will give me what I need, I won't get in trouble, and my trust will grow just a little bit more.

That's been my experience. It's a process for sure, and I think it's going to take me a very very long time to unlearn the lessons from my childhood. For every two steps forward, there is at least one step back...it's just hard.