Hi, I'm a 44 year old woman who has suffered from depression & panic attacks since I was a teenager. Right now, I'm on 20mg of Lexapro daily & have been for many years. I had therapy on & off years past & it has helped me sometimes, sometimes it hasn't.

Both my parents were alcoholics; my mother died in May 2005 of lung cancer & my father is still alive. My parents divorced when I was in high school after my father met another woman & wanted to be with her. Within a year and a half, two family members close to me had died & my mother was really drinking heavily. I had my first very serious depressive episode then, at age 18, was suicidal & spent a year like that. My parents didn't know what to do with me & they didn't get me help. I got help when I made myself go back to college & went to the student counseling center. Throughout my life, I've had times when my depression & panic attacks have almost made me unable to function.

I've been married twice. My first marriage ended in divorce in 2008 when my bipolar, alcoholic ex-husband started losing himself mentally. We separated in 2005 when he started getting physically abusive towards me & I just couldn't take it anymore. He was committed by the county for a year at the end of 2005 & while he was committed, we tried to work things out, but couldn't. I ended it for good in 2007 because he couldn't change.

I knew my current husband as an online friend for many years & in early 2008 we met face-to-face for the first time. I was not looking to get romantically involved with anyone but I guess my Higher Power had other ideas. We hit it off & got married in December 2008. Right before we got married, my current husband told me he was a cross-dresser. That has developed into him questioning his gender identity & he is in therapy for that.

Okay, well, I lost my job in December 2008 in a mass lay-off and couldn't find another one. Last year, my husband's 16 year old daughter came to live with us because she couldn't stand the situation at her mother's anymore. Now, his 14 year old daughter has moved in with us just this past week because her mother & step-father were kicked out of where they live. She doesn't really want to be living with us since now she has to go to a totally different school.

We've had financial problems due to my unemployment: mortgage issues, creditors calling, student loans piling up even more interest, not enough money to get needed medical and dental care sometimes.

I've got some chronic health problems that make life difficult for me at time: interstitial cystitis, chronic sinus disease, Polycystic ovarian syndrome, migraines, and lately, strange joint pain that started in my hips but has spread now one foot. Plus my depression & panic attacks. Plus I need some dental care I have not been able to afford.

Well, this past Monday I finally was offered a job. I should be thrilled, right? But I'm not. Instead, I feel terrified, sick to my stomach all the time, and terribly depressed. I am not sleeping, I have no energy, no desire to really do anything. Sometimes I feel so full of fear I break out crying, sobbing. I'm hurting inside. Right now I'm also fighting off a sinus infection that I got medications for yesterday.

I've been working so hard to find a job & you'd think now that I've found one--right when my unemployment was about to run out--I'd be happy. It is just the opposite. I've been miserable since I got the offer on Monday after the interview & I'm supposed to start on 8/16.

I wish I could just curl up into a ball & sleep for six months or something like that. I am feeling consumed with so many negative thoughts & emotions & I don't know why I'm feeling so badly.

Yes, I'm under a lot of stress, I know. I'm still dealing with issues from my first marriage because my ex-husband stalked me & went to jail for breaking my protection order. He's left me alone for a year now, but I think it is only because he's on probation for what he did.

I'm just feeling so lost & alone right now. I have not told anyone else what I'm feeling except for my husband because they just wouldn't understand. My husband doesn't really understand, either. I tried talking to him last night but he just can't quite understand what I'm trying to say. He thought I was just nervous about starting a new job but last night I got through to him that it is more than that.

I'm just really afraid right now. And I don't know how to handle this or what to do with myself.

Thanks for listening.

Kim