So today I'm twenty-six. Going in to work at one, because the whole schedule was swapped so a co-worker wouldn't have to work on her birthday. I find that sort of funny, she's older than me and she's willing to mess with everyone's schedule to avoid working on her birthday. I'm twenty-six and figure that's way too old to make a big deal out of a day just like any other.

Yesterday I started to wonder how obvious my depression is to others, such as people I don't talk to -- strangers and the like. It's probably not all that obvious. I think you'd have to know me at least a little to understand at all (then again, my family does, so I can assume they either don't care or they don't know me).

Most of my depression shows in my resignation.

I used to have a temper, I used to flare up and get angry when I wasn't treated with the respect I assumed human beings were owed.

These days, my family uses me for money and treats me like garbage and I just do my best not to think about it, do my best to keep going in to work like a good little robot.

I've got a cavity caused by an accident in the Army, and it's turning into an abscess. Exposed nerve, pain all up and down the left side of my face, that sort of thing. We found out it would be two hundred dollars for x-rays, and my father said we didn't have it (even though I'm the one making the money).

Eventually, we decided to get an advance on my next check (I can't keep bringing them money if the poison in my mouth kills me, you see), and I got the x-rays, and the dentist said it would be two or three thousand dollars to fix the problem. If she just pulls the tooth, all the teeth around it shift and that gets into even more money and more infections.

So I get to wait until January to get on the dental insurance at work, and even then it may not be possible because if the co-pay is too high, we won't be able to do it.

I have no idea how much worse my mouth will get by January.

The dentist wrote me prescriptions for twenty generic Darvocet and some antibiotics. Kind of stupid, since I'm not coming back for six months and maybe not even then.

Tried the Darvocet, and it does take care of most of the pain, but it also throws me into a majorly depressive mood by the end of the day, so much so that I just want to lie down and cry all night.

Then again, maybe that's just my situation.

The saddest thing about all of this is that I won't be free until my parents are dead.

It's all so very lose-lose.

I don't know if I'll make it through work today.

I know you guys keep posting visitor messages to my profile, and I appreciate your well-wishes and I'm sorry I haven't responded. My depression is pretty deep, and it takes a lot just to amp myself up to venting here for my own sanity.

Some long-time friends of mine sent me a package with some books, baby clothes and a letter, and I don't even have the energy to hunt them down on the Internet and say anything to them. Mostly because the situation is complicated, but also because I'm so depressed I don't have the energy to deal with it.

It's amazing to me that I even keep in any sort of contact with anyone from my past, because when I get like this I withdraw from everyone, cut all ties. I don't want anyone to get close, I don't want them to have anything to do with me when I'm like this.

Oh well. You know, I'm rambling again.

The eight of us are still crammed into this little house. I don't know how long it'll be like this. Maybe until someone dies.

I wonder if you can die from swallowing eighteen Darvocet.

Happy birthday to me, right.