Hi Sunset.... like others I can relate to your anger and frustration. Anger is so present when I am in pain. I have cut people out of my life and claimed to not need anyone's help for anything just to affirm my right to be bitter about how people had treated me.

When I started to challenge my pattern of pushing people away I started to see other issues at play. Underneath the anger were a whole array of other emotions I didn't have the skills to process.

There was some jealousy because it pained me to see people living full lives while my condition continued to take more and more peices of mine away from me. Their success was a reminder of my failings. My inadequacies. My inability to measure up. There was some self loathing that would naturally follow and then the flash backs would re-inflict their pain. I would then transfer the anger mask to attack (usually privately in my journal ranting or in my own head) whoever triggered the cycle of thinking that brought it forward again.

I remember one day asking myself how was it working for me to walk around so angry with the world all the time. I had been in this miserable, angry, bitter place for a long time and was starting to feel physiclly ill from the effects. Authentically I am a very caring and engaging person. People are drawn to me for comfort and encouragement. They had no idea the battle that would rage in my head sometimes.

I knew better intellectually and spiritually then to let anger own me. I knew anger was just a mask for something else. I knew what I really felt was sadness and lonliness and bitterness and even hopelessness but I just wasn't able to own any of them. To face them was much too painful. I had no resolution for them. I had tried and failed so many times to achieve some happiness that I found myself in this constant state of mad just to block out my other feelings. If I couldn't change them then I would just stay mad and miserable was my theory. I surely mastered miserable and all it did was make me sick.

Beware of the toxic effects of masking anger. At some point you will need to face the real emotions behind the bitterness. The recentment built over time. It is a reaction of the sense of hopelessness that negative experiences with people creates. When people let you down time after time.... when you feel outside the circle..... when you are abused and victimized by people who are suppose to care about you, protect you, be there for you.... when life gives you garbage it is hard to see anything but garbage.

Even though justified, being angry about the raw deal won't change the deal. Facing the real feelings the raw deal left you with can change everything. It takes work. It takes help. It isn't easy but it is absolutely necessary. Sooner or later we all have to get real with ourselves and be willing to fight for our own happiness.

When we can't acknowledge or share the joy of someone else's happiness is a pretty strong indicator that we need to muster the courage and commit to the work of looking hard at what is really behind the anger.

I know it isn't easy to go deep. It is down right painful until you find the break you need to get through to the other side. There is another side and it is from there that you can begin to attract and nurture those things you want for your own life.... including a loving relationship.

You have all of us in your corner if you want us to be. Take good care.