Here's the thing. I have been sober for 15 months now. When I got sober I focused solely on myself and containing the crazy that is me. I have known this guy for almost two years now. I have always liked him. Long story short it turns out he likes me too. He seems sweet, everyone is telling me he is in fact, a good guy. I have seen the way he treated his ex girlfriend and he was pretty nice to her. I have flirted and talked to guys but I never opened up to them or put any kind of investment in them in the last year. It gets worse though. When I was drugging since 13 to 17. (I'm 18 now) I ended up in a 3 year relationship followed by a 4 month relationship. Both of which were very very abusive. I can describe my loves as quite tumultuous, emotionally draining and a wild f***ed up broken down roller coaster with a broken off switch. So nowadays, I have been making excuses but I think it is necessary to force myself back in the game or else it will never happen if I don't make an effort.
The thing is I am nervous as f***. I don't want to go back to my crazy default. I do feel like I am in fact a very rational person (except of course when he comes around and triggers every physiological response in my body to run away rampant with my hormones!! LoL) but I am really scared though. I know nervousness is normal but sometimes, I feel like I am sort of "damaged." I know I am in fact a very worthwhile and interesting person but I still feel different from others at times because of all I have been through. I feel like no one should have to deal with my past because at times it bleeds out into the present. I suppose I will be honest here. I am just fearful of getting screwed over, and hurt again. That's why I have stayed out of the game. I don't really have a healthy relationship to model after. Also, you know that saying, "I won't be in any club that will have me." Well, I am fearful of people I like because I wonder why I like them or they like me. I know guys and abusers in particular are good at picking up on that "vulnerable" she has been abused vibe. My turn. Then I wonder if I like someone because they subconsciously model behaviors of abuse after my father and exes. The cycle continues.
I feel better now having getting that off my chest. I'm not asking the world of this situation, just a way to throw me back in the game and learn about relationships I suppose. Maybe pull down my wall a bit. At the very least throw out some of those screaming hormones with a make-out session or two. Lol. He's cute ya know.
Anyway if anyone has any advise, or would like to throw in their opinion into the whole situation. I don't mind at all.
BYE!