Quote:
Choosing good coping mechanisms right now would invalidate my pain. If I could choose good coping mechanisms, then it would be like I was saying I wasn't hurting at all.
Choosing bad coping mechanisms reduces uncertainty. I already know I'm not coping. I don't have to worry anymore, "Will I? Won't I?"
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YES! I can absolutely relate to both of those. I think, too, that for me it is often a matter of choosing what I know. Maybe it's the same thing you are saying about reducing uncertainty. I think there are 2 parts to that, actually.
Like you said, the uncertainty of will I or won't I, and I know from experience how painful those obsessive thoughts about SI or sui can be.
The other uncertainty is in the result. I KNOW what will happen if I SI. I know how I will feel as I do it, after I do it, hours later. The new coping skills, even after using them a lot and seeing the results, they aren't as sure. In times of stress I think it is really easy to go back to what we know.
I also have chosen negative coping skills when I am angry or frustrated or hurt by my T. I think in that way I'm kind of like a teenager rebelling against their parent by doing what they know they aren't "supposed" to do.
And of course, there is the self hatred and self punishment aspect of SI, restricting food, etc.
this was REALLY thought provoking Jexa, thanks!
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She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said.
~Brian Andreas