Interesting question Jexa and great song.

I think your point about certainty\uncertainty is an important one.

Coping mechanisms don't always work so sometimes I just don't feel like putting out the effort. Especially if I let whatever is going on to go on too long. It is easier to just endure what I know will happen if I don't bother trying then to hope I can turn it around. I am just too worn down sometimes to find the energy to try.

I also think the pull to punish myself is just too strong to resist. I like the power I feel when I am hurting myself. It is like a drug. Knowing how badly I will feel after the euphoria wears off is the only thing that holds me back sometimes.

I also think I sometimes want my worst feelings about myself to be validated. I will make trouble with someone just to prove to them and me what a horrible person I am. Just to validate my right to hate myself and for everyone else to hate me too.

It has been a long journey to discover these things about myself. The awareness of what is behind some of my hurtful behaviours has helped reduce these kinds of behaviours but I probably do battle with the urge to behave hurtfully on a regular basis.

Learning to choose to cope and turn my thinking around rather than to implode and or explode is a journey towards true self empowerment. Coping to make things easier on ourselves is a reflection of self love. It takes practise, honesty and constant diligence.

It is just so much easier sometimes to listen to the same old tapes in my head and buy into the same old bull I throw at myself to justify bad behaviours and negative attitudes then to try to reprogram and believe anything differently.

Even being happy can be too risky to trust. I seldom feel 'happy' so when I do it is noticable. Maybe because it is rare it makes me nervous but so often I will do something or say something to myself to cut into the sense of happiness just so I can pre-empt something out of my control doing it first. lol. So warped. lol

Thought provoking question. It has me thinking all over the map.