(((Hugs))) Thank you for sharing that with us. I know it cannot have been easy for you. A lot of us likely feel survivor guilt and wish we had been the one to go. I think everything happens for a reason though, and often that reason is very difficult to figure out. You are here because you were meant to survive and be here today. Whether that reason is yet clear to you or not, you have continued to walk down the path of your life. There is something you are meant to do, and hopefully one day you will understand what it is.

It is sad you were not told Kevin were ill, or allowed to go to be with the others who were sharing your loss. Sadder still you did not feel the hugs and the love at the time you needed it the most. It is difficult for any of us to lose someone we love, and more so when we have to do it alone. Remember too when you think about it that when you look back on that time you are looking with the emotions of a nine year old, not the 40+ year old man you are now. That part of you may still be there in that emotional time, and be waiting for the time to feel all the things he wanted to feel then so he can put Kevin's death in perspective and move on. What you feel is okay, because you are okay.