You guys are really making me think, thanks for this. The reason why I used the word "choose" was because I didn't even want to hear T suggest other ways to cope. She was trying to say thing like, "Did you try to distract yourself? Maybe you could cook something the next time you feel that way / sew / go on a walk?" And I was like, "I don't even know why I'm here because I don't want to stop." But I don't know why I don't want to stop. I just don't want to.

I don't want to hear about tools I could use to distract myself. I don't want to hear about ways to cope with urges. So that must mean I'm choosing to do this.

Maybe it is, as you said sunrise, a way that I am dealing with the pain. And I don't want to hear solutions because it seems to me that this is working just fine. Except that one day I want to be a psychologist and, well, this isn't a great long-term solution for a psychologist. I suppose.

Maybe it's also that I didn't learn good coping so it feels unnatural to do healthy things. My parents didn't cope well, but they lashed out in anger. I am terrified to be angry and lose control, so I've always turned my anger against myself. So this could be internalized anger for sure. Maybe it's anger at my T that I am terrified of expressing. I don't know. I'm confused still.