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I wrote this in the early morning hours today. Feeling very exposed and vulnerable, wondering if it really says anything at all. Trying to connect someplace--just anyplace within or outside of myself. Trying to let someone know where I am and that I am at all. I put this in another place but thought I would also put it here. Sometimes I know I do not make so much sense but somewhere within these words scream out in a volume that maybe no one else hears but they are there for we hear them.
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It is early morning once again and I have been sitting here staring at this empty screen wondering what to say or if I can say anything at all. I am exhausted, as sleep seems to not come. I can lay down and my mind is bombarded with so many things, things that scare me and that take my very breath away.
Somewhere inside I am hiding afraid to step out, afraid to allow anyone to really see where I am or what I feel. The fear of rejection screams at a volume louder than I care to think about and fear that I am not believed is even louder. I know that it comes from a lifetime of being told no one would ever believe and I guess when your a child and told that you had a bad dream and are consoled to sleep, or something is put on a washcloth and held to your face and then you forget, or when something is too much that you want to believe that it was not true, then somewhere you try to rationalize it in your mind.
Truth is it was not a dream nor was it not true, but to accept that is allowing yourself to go there, a place you never wanted to revisit again. My heart is shattered and the pieces are scattered everywhere. Each step I take are sharp pieces that cut deep, pieces that seem to be transparent until it is too late. Part of me does not think my heart will ever be able to go back together, part of me feels lost forever. It feels as though part of me is fighting for life, one part is fighting to understand, many are searching for love, and another part hears echoes of death. I feel a million miles away from this screen and thing is that million miles is somewhere inside myself.
Words are filling this screen but I am unsure if they make any sense or if they are just saying nothing. I cry and scream the silent scream--but no one hears this awful silence but me. Days feel so dark and the nights are black. I search for a reason to stay. I quietly shed tears, at times they seem invisible like the wind at others times raging like a river raging--a secret world. My inside is just racing with thoughts of running, hurting, screaming, and crying but outside is just quiet, hiding any hint of the raging turmoil within. The screams come from a deep darkness within but I do not know how to answer. Seems I am fighting to stay in touch right now with the real world outside of myself. To stay out of my mind at times is impossible--to stay connected seems so far away. Sometimes sanity and insanity is so close----it seems the pull is inseparable.
Sometimes it feels safe to be locked in the mind where no one can hurt me for so long that is where I lived. It seemed the only place that safety dwelt, the only place anything made any sense. It somehow gave me that right to live. In my mind is where I began to live for I could not live outside there was no safety, nowhere to be. Me did not exist not then and now me is trying to figure out who I am--who is really safe and really okay. It is hard when dad's still call, mom's still exist, and darkness still comes.
I feel a gut feeling not just a head feeling that comes from deep inside. This deep darkness is crying out but I do not know how to answer, or if there are any answers. I find myself searching from the outside inward. Each day this heaviness, this knawing at my insides seems to get deeper. It is like looking at a torn up house that you want to fix up but everywhere you look it's beat up and fallen apart. I feel beat up. You cannot see it on the outside but inside is a shambles. I try to remove the debris but there are nails and splinters sticking out everywhere that stick and cut at every turn. It feels like a deep black hole and I am falling inside and there is nothing to reach out to latch onto to stop the falling. It is like a whirlwind that never stops blowing. Even when the suns out it feels dark.
Seems inside there is a darkness over my heart, one I cannot seem to remove, or maybe I am afraid to look. I am trying to accept, trying to reach out, but sometimes I am pulled back unable to say anything at all. Sometimes I lay on my bed grasping the pillows, crying silent tears, going back to a time when I did that as a child because no one could know. Sometimes disappearing is what keeps me going at least for a while. Yet still trying to somehow reach out in silent words hoping someone hears what I cannot seem to say. Believing if I keep reaching somehow I will break through this, even one word at a time.
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