This month is so full of losses that I can only maintain at best.

But what I am focusing on here is this year it has been one year since I realized my h and I can not ever make a go of it, no hope, no matter what. No false hope, dreams of it ever being possible are gone and all the ramifications around this. I made it through the year and it is kind of surreal to still think and feel this way as in the past there was always one little thread but this is not possible. There is nothing to do about it. It just is.

I am maintaining all levels of calmness right now as my therapists are on vacation but I do have email contact weekly. I am having huge 'sighs', some anxiety around finances and work, no more dreams so having to make new dreams and somewhat depressed so motivation is a problem. Going to a session on motivation next week for work but motivation for life seems lower than previously experienced. Identifying the needs I have are seemingly insurmountable. One foot, then the other is about all I can maintain. I know some of this is grief too and it has it's own agenda on me right now. If I were talking and being true to self and you were across from me you would notice my energy is low. I eat decently, trying to walk a bit daily, thank god the sun is out, too. I do have gratitude but it is not bringing up the motivation levels.

Overwhelmingly burdened is how I would describe it. I don't have friends irl who would get the whole of what I am refering to here. Some would understand some of it, some would understand other parts of it and some would just find a way to be elsewhere.

There is another grandchild on the way so this is a star on the horizon however the feelings are not accompanying like they did. I did have an interview this week with a great company and the fit was pretty darn good from my perspective but waiting to hear and then if I got it would I be able to see over the top of these overwhelming feelings to do a good job.

Maybe I should post this in grief forum or depression forum. I just don't know.

There is absolutely no reason to divorce because for both of us there is no one else. For a year prior to our ending we went out every weekend to eat at least once on the weekend but without permanent work I have only been able to do that for myself sporadically. It is lonely too so it doesn't bode well for me to go by myself as I get somewhat triggered watching the couples go by me.

I have wonderful children and grandchildren but I am not going to be interfering with them just to not be lonely. Don't get me wrong, I understand lonely inside of a relationship too but I guess all my hopes have been invested in restoring this relationship and it was hope held out for so many years that I don't know how to hope elsewhere.

This past year my therapists have been my relationship and to a lesser degree my children but therapists cannot be my sustaining relationship just like I don't expect my children to be either.

I am turning 60 this year. It doesn't bother me as much as what do I do now for myself? Maybe there should be a seniors forum here as I certainly don't want to depress you young people. But my thought is what happens if I live another 30 years, god forbid, what does one do? Both grandmothers died at 55 as did mom so I have no clue, honestly.

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