I WAS trying to get to the root of this. I WAS working on that. I WAS going to solve the deep down stuff before I went to grad school. And then my T decided to move.

Now, starting over messes up my timeline. I have less than a year before I begin a PhD program in clinical psychology. I cannot go to therapy in grad school. I cannot afford it. And now I'm supposed to become a therapist, but I haven't gone to the root of things. Just like you said, sunrise. I don't want to be a therapist with this big, ugly root inside of me. The CSA, the angry, crazy parents, the chaos of my childhood, everything in my past rages beneath this smiling surface.

Yeah I was doing really well in therapy, coping really well, the tip of the iceberg had been shaped so prettily and was so very presentable to the world. But because of that I felt safe enough to venture deeper. Maybe she didn't realize just how far down we'd gone.. feel like I dove down so far, and now she's cutting off my air supply while I'm stuck below the surface. And I don't WANT her to just simply rescue me, pull me back to the surface. I want her to be my air supply while I am down here! But she can't be that for me, not anymore.

So that's why I don't want to stop. Does that mean I have so much pain, I can't take it, and I am asking someone to take care of me, like you said roseleigh? Or does it mean I'm trying to mess up the tip of the iceberg that looked all pretty, just to show the people up there on the surface that I'm stuck down here? Or is that the same thing?

I still don't know what I'm supposed to do.