Jexa, that last post sounds like you are on to something. You want your therapist to know that you need help, that you are trying to get to the bottom of things, and you are hurt and scared. Maybe if you looked like you were coping too well, you wouldn't get the help that you need.

I relate to that. I have been in therapy all the way through grad school and two years later I am still in therapy and still not getting whatever is inside and still messing things up fixed. The way you described it sounds almost like a root canal on a tooth. I guess that's a good analogy. You can put a perfectly nice cap over it, but when the root is still rotting, it won't last very long.

You want to get better and be whole, not just come back up to the surface. Me too. I am a therapist and my wounds are not healed and sometimes it scares me. I can still help others, but I think I could do better if I could heal, and I don't seem to be able to do that. I think I should have learned by now, with 8 different therapists and 6 years with the current one, and a master's degree, and all the books I've read. Yeah, I know how to act ok, but that doesn't get my needs met. And none of those things have provided an adequate "air supply" to go down and stay down long enough to get at the root of everything. 7 of those therapists didn't understand me or help me at all - some of them were incompetent and/or unethical or just plain overworked and really didn't seem to care. The last one is giving up. It's been a long time, but three of those 6 years were limited mostly to email, and even after that, I've jumped around too much because I only see her once or twice a month and there isn't enough consistency. Not to provide enough support for deep dives, and that's what it takes when "returning" to mental health is meaningless because that's a place where you have never been.

Thanks for your question, and your insight. It has helped me, and I hope this discussion has helped you too. And if you aren't ready to stop therapy, find a way to keep it going. There are ways if you are determined enough.