Dearest Feary~~ I understand how this looks and feels like a major disaster, because it is one~! Please don't blame yourself, at all at all~~ Grieving is the natural response to such a terrible loss. Come to chats, and we will comfort you as best we can, with kind words and {{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}} I bet that doc doesn't have a single award for Compassion~! Gus