Quote:
Originally Posted by objtrbit
Okay, you're feeling a lot here! I'm going to try and break this down for you. This is just stuff to think about.
You said you had these worries:
" can't go to the doctors. It's too scary.
> What if they make fun of me?
> What if they tell my parents?
> What if they lock me away somewhere?
> What if they put me on medication and I have to tell college about it?
> What if they make me go see someone and have to tell everything to?
> What if it makes my health records look bad?"
So number 1. You worry that you will be made fun of?
What do you visualize the doctor making fun of?
2-3 I don't know much about, but I would venture to think
confidentiality would be kept; you think they would lock you up?
It would be discriminating for a college to look down on you for
using a medication (if you are given one), and as for health records/college, you can use your past hardships to your advantage, sometimes you can even get scholarships.
Psychologists have this paper you have the "option" of signing,
but if you don't, none of your records will even be released at all,
you would have to ask about that though, not sure if all policies are the same.
I'm out of order here, but why the anxiety around having to
tell someone everything? Is it the above worries about
your parents/school/health records finding out, or is there more than that?
Your initial concern was guilt; are you able to identify that for yourself?
Also, I think this is very important,
Are you still thinking about commiting suicide?
Few questions I just want you to go through and think about here....
1. Do you have a plan?
2. Do you know when and how you are going to carry this out?
3.When you think about committing suicide, have you ever gotten the urge to "get up" and go do it?
If so, how far did you go, and what stopped you?
To know where you are could save your life.
Do you feel like it's not worth it anymore?
What images run through your mind, and what thought,
hurt/pain sticks out the most?
And I fear overloading you here, so I'll ask about this last line.
"Again, sorry for taking up the space on this board. I know you all have better things to do than talk to me.
So how are you anyway?
Bye. "
Man, you have so much craziness going on in your life, and it surprizes me to see you feeling "selfish" for asking for some help with your load. Do you feel you are not worth it? If so, how come?
Yeah, this was a lot, I hope you eventually are able to feel comfortable enough to allow yourself the opportunity to have someone truly listen to you, and I strongly advise you to find people in your life that can. We as humans are not meant to go through this stuff alone, ya know?
Take care.
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Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.
Erm, I'm going to try and reply to this bit by bit, but seeing as I dont know how to use quotes properly, it's most probably going to be one big paragraph. Sorry.
- I just feel as if the doctor is going to judge me. Or think that I'm completely insane. Or think that I'm making a big deal about nothing and then laugh about me when talking to other doctors.
- Yes I'm scared that they'd lock me up. Like when you see it on TV; padded locked isolated cells and straight jackets.
- I know it would be discriminating for a college to look down at me for being on medication. But teachers would then know about it and maybe treat me differently, and then that would draw attention to me and then other students may find out, and then all the bullying starts all over again. Also, universities mightn't want someone who has to be on medication for their mental state, and would find another reason not to accept me there.
- I don't know why I have anxiety about telling people things. I suppose I've never been one to share my emotions with others, just the type to stick a smile on my face then when I'm alone in my room, cry and stuff. But also, I don't want my parents/friends/family to think that they've done something wrong because they are the best in the world. And what's more, I'm afraid of being rejected because of it. My parents don't believe in depression and things like that, especially if you have nothing to feel "sad" about, so they may laugh or tell me to stop trying to get attention and things. And my friends could so easily push me away: they have better friends than me who they can rely on and they have their own issues to deal with, without me burdening them with mine.
- The guilt took a long LONG time to identify. But after 4 1/2 - 5 years, I understood that it was guilt. Because it felt the same as when I felt guilty about something I'd done. But without anything to actually feel guilty for. I even feel guilty for things that happen to other people when I was no where near there and not at all connected to the events.
- I no longer think of committing suicide. Because it's a burden on my parents. It's an easy way out of the pain for myself, but they may feel sad. And they'll have to fork out lots of money for everything you have to do after someone dies. It's too much for me to give them. Much easier for people if I just live and stay out of their way.
- I did try committing suicide...twice. Both times the same way (overdose of painkillers mixed with loss of lots of blood), and each time upping the dose because of the earlier fail.
- Yes I feel like it's not worth it anymore. I've felt like that for a long time. But it's worth sticking around so the people I care about don't have to suffer. I can put up with anything for them.
- I really don't have much craziness going on in my life, so I feel selfish burdening people with my emotions. There are many people who have gone through more than me and deserve the love and help much more than I do. Yeah so what I've lost close family members. So what that I've lost close friends. So what that I get bullied and sexually harrassed often. ...Some people get abused by those meant to care for them...some people haven't got parents...some people haven't got friends... so why on earth should I take away their love and help. It's too selfish, yet here I am, continuing to do it...I guess I'm just a really selfish person.
Once again, thankyou for reading my stupidly long entry and replying to it and reading this stupidly long reply. Sorry about that.