**trigger for SI**
So I'm at this place inside myself where I think I can stop at 40 cuts, since 40 is symbolic of suffering, a journey, etc. This way the scars will be meaningful to me. My T says she doesn't know how we're going to talk about other stuff if I am still using SI to cope, and I don't want to waste our time. I think this is hope? Maybe? Somehow the number 40 seems satisfactory. She handled our last session so well. Maybe two months is enough time to figure out what to do next, at least.

I'm not up to 40 yet -- well, actually I am up to 40, but I need 40 open at once to feel complete. I think I will feel okay then.

I feel really strange, though, about stopping now -- like somehow it will seem.. weak? Does anyone relate to this?