Rapunzel -- it would indeed be more difficult to stop the SI than to keep going. But there's this part of me.. I just look at my cuts and they look pathetic -- I think, I could have gone deeper, I could have been tougher, I could have.. and the thought of stopping makes me grind my teeth. They're not ready! They don't look right! Not deep enough, not good enough. But then I think about it and I realize just how far I could take that. Never deep enough, never good enough.

*sigh*

traction, I think I misquoted T on this. I think she was saying something more along the lines of, we'll be more productive if you stop the SI, we can't really work well when this behavior is going on. I agree with her actually. This has to stop for me to do good work in therapy. I can't cut myself daily and think that I'm making progress.

It's just now that I've started again I feel like I started a train moving. And slowing it down is so tricky. Like I am scared that 40 won't be enough. Or it will be, but I'll keep wanting them deeper. And deeper. And then. I've already started the insane fantasies of ripping off my skin completely, of completely covering my body in scars, of cutting off my limbs.. this is getting more and more intense, very quickly.

Please God let 40 be enough.


Will my T still care about me if I stop? Will she understand how hard it was, if I can stop so quickly once I started? Will she roll her eyes at my melodrama? Will she wrap me up in a bow and tell me I'm just fine now?