so, my T called me about something unrelated, but since I had her on the phone I said I had a couple of questions for her.

I asked her if, because we are changing tactics now, does that mean I was doing it wrong, somehow? Also, I told her that I feel like I'm close to the end of my story and I wonder now if I will ever get a chance to finish telling the story. I said that I trust her and I'm not trying to argue with her, and that I think managing triggers is great, but that I wanted, WANT, more than that out of my life. That it feels like giving up on the idea of healing.

Her response was pretty much what you said, eskie. She said it feels like we've been paddling upstream and instead we're going to get out of the water and walk for a while. It's coming to the same goal from another angle. That makes sense to me.

I still don't really feel ok about it, though. She said, if you want to finish telling your story, we can do that. But all along she's been telling me that telling the story is the way to heal from it. That it was vital. I've been going in there week after week and left torn up and raw and bruised, but I thought it was for a REASON. Now she says IF I want to tell the story, we can do that? It just doesn't sit right with me.

I think a lot of it has to do with fear of change, and with me wanting and needing to see T as stable and consistent. I know this is triggering stuff from my childhood, old, early stuff for me, about not having adults I could count on to show me the way. I know that, and it's still scary and painful and...yuck.

It IS all about finding a balance. I realize that on the one hand I'm saying "i want to be in charge" and on the other hand I'm upset by T not being in charge as much as I want her to be. I see that, just like I can see that I'm being triggered by the fear of change and the fear of abandonment. But seeing that stuff doesn't change how I feel about it. Does that even make sense??