I know you're right, tree, I can feel that you're right.
I would probably tell anyone else here the same thing: talk to your T about it. But...wow. It is so scary. I am so afraid of the answer. I am going to really think about it this week and see if I can get myself to come around to the idea that knowing would be better than guessing. I'm just so afraid of the answer to the question of "when will you be done with me?"

I did call T a little while ago and left her a message. I apologized for calling, because I had just talked to her not too long before, and both during that conversation and during my session today she seemed distant and distracted and...not herself. I said I figured out why this is so triggering for me and that it comes back to abandonment, like always. That I feel like she's changed the game in the middle and if the game is different, do the same rules still apply? Will she still go with me through the trauma, all the way, until I'm done? That I trusted her when she said that but that I'm afraid it's not true anymore.

I don't know if she'll call me back. I didn't specifically ask her to, because the message felt like it was getting so long and I finally just hung up.

It's amazing to me how something so seemingly small can turn into a huge thing in my head and how completely spun out about it I can get in just a few hours. Always a drama in my head and in my heart, when what I really want is a peaceful life.