uhmmm....so, T just called me back. She was like "zoo, look, quit worrying about this. Just stop. Stop thinking about it. Just forget about it. We'll finish the trauma work the way we started and that'll be it."

W.T.F? I was just kind of dumbfounded. I said, "as if that's going to work, just tell me to quit thinking about it, and that's supposed to work? I'll work on that, but..."

She said, well, I thought maybe there was an easier way, a gentler way, but obviously that's really upsetting to you, so forget about it. I said, "I'm not saying that's a bad idea, T. I just can't help what my emotional reaction to it is. It's hard for me to know what I'm feeling. It's hard for me to know why I'm feeling what I am. And I know that I'm saying I want to be in charge and I want you to be in charge at the same time. I know that."

So her response was, "then just let me be in charge. when you start thinking about it tell yourself T is in charge of that and let it go"

I just...I obviously did a really, really bad job of explaining myself to her. I thought I was pretty clear, but obviously not. I just got a healthy dose of Boot Camp T, and didn't need or appreciate it. The last time I saw this side of her was after my overdose, and even at the time I knew it was her way of using whatever tools she could to get me to see the seriousness of my actions. What did I do wrong this time? UGGGHHHHH.

I just want to add that I think what I got tonight was T the person, not T the T. She may have something going on in her life, or she's not feeling well, it could be any number of things. I just feel like the conversation I just had was not with my T coming from her usual place of wise mind centeredness. It sucks, for sure, but I'm going to try really really hard to not let this feel like the end of everything. If I didn't deserve her harsh coldness, well, I have certainly said things and acted toward her in ways she didn't deserve in the past, so I guess it's ok.