Jexa,
A couple of times when I have been spiraling downward, my T has asked me, 'what is your goal? where are you going with this?'

For me it helped me to think of my actions in the big picture, and the consequences that could result from every decision I am making now.

We do choose our path. Even though it might not feel like it, Jexa, you are strong and in control of your actions.