Sorry to hear that poly, hope she does get better, and soon...

Lauru: Not sure what to say really, just wanted you to know that I acknowledge your pain, can relate, and completely empathize with you. I hope that didnt come across as shallow or anything else besides a showing of closeness, concern, and understanding as thats what I mean it to be..

Lonegael: just as you see on here, and experience yourself, the oddities of the human mind, so too may your mother have her own she is human, imperfect, and susceptible. If you can keep that in mind while interacting with her perhaps you can come to understand and relate better with her. I am sorry it left you so drained though.

Me: Well it's morning thats evident. Whether it will be good is yet to be seen. I'm not sure why but I didnt take any of my meds last night. I have begun the last few months feeling as if I'm in a new alternate reality (as I have felt that for years my reality shifts from time to time). Sleeping half the day, being groggy the next, not really feeling anything in particular the last few days and that is unfamiliar and terrifying.

Perhaps that feeling of non-intense feeling of much is what they are trying to achieve but for me it is unnatural and terrifying. Makes me feel nonhuman. Does anybody else have the fear that to "get better" means losing all that you have as an identity? I already feel detached to this world and sometimes I guess its as though my "illness's" are all I really can rely on. I am also afraid that to get better means being more alone. Nobody cares much already about what goes on with me IRL so if I was "better" would that mean complete abandonment and lack of concern? It seems so with most people I know.

I love the time I am getting to spend with my dad but it is a constant reminder of how little of it I have left and the uncertainty of what is to come after. I can not imagine a world without him even though I didnt really have him from ages 4-13 and he has enacted some past transgressions that were very traumatic, but he is still an ingrained part of my identity/reality now. When I was in Fl this last year I got an idea of what that life without him had been like and it is desolate more so than with, for me both are so its a matter of degree...

I have so much more on my mind I would love to get out but I know I am rambling and I am sorry, since I didn't take my meds I have only had about 2hrs sleep and am not sleepy anyways so I have a lot of ruminative thoughts flying around and never anyone to talk to as they always require the ear and never want to provide it in return.. For those who took the time to read the whole post, thanks =)