I think you would be surprised at what your T does/does not know/suspect. You aren't his first client and I know lots of people, myself included, who have felt the way you are describing. You're not messed up for thinking what you think; you're working hard at therapy and testing and trying new things, etc.; it doesn't happen like that, one day you wake up and are "ready" to leave T. It's as hard as anything you are going through now, but not harder than you can do when the time comes.