Thanks darkrunner. I don't know where I'm going with this, what the goal is. Well, if I were to continue, I guess the goal would be to self-destruct. To say f*** it. Which would be intended to.. express something. To alleviate the self-hate somehow? I don't know. It's not a healthy goal anyway.

tree, thanks. I have a certain ritual that only happens in the bath so I think I can trick myself out of the SI if I tell myself I can't take a bath tonight -- I have to take a shower instead. Just tonight. For now. I can turn the shower on, not the bathwater. Just tonight.

I'm really scared to talk to T about the feelings underneath this. Oh no.. I'm going to have to do that.. I'm so freaking embarrassed. I'm an ADULT for Christ's sake. I feel so immature for needing her and being so reactive about this.

Perna, it's weird that this behavior came up as the default because I haven't SI regularly since age 14. Maybe T leaving me brought back my age 14 feelings? Dunno.

Thanks ((((googley)))) -- Yes forever is too long to think right now. I can't get rid of my blades, but I put them away rather than leaving them in the bathtub. So that should help. *sigh*

BlackCanary, I don't have sound on this computer but I will listen to that later 40 is indeed intended to be the same symbol that 40 days represents in Lent. Forty is symbolic of a test, a punishment, a waiting period, and rebirth. Keeping the scars at 40 will be very meaningful to me and will make me hate the scars less I think.

Just THINKING about not doing it tonight is SO HARD. Please everyone send me positive energy and healing thoughts. I've got to get through tonight somehow.