Aw, thanks.

The school certainly hasn't been helpful or tried to make this any easier for me. I was hospitalized last fall and took a leave of absence. They stopped communicating with me. When I met with them to discuss my return, they encouraged me to quit. When I came back, they promptly expelled me (for very weak reasons). Since I've gotten back in again, they continue to make my life hell. Basically, they've done everything in their power to get me out of the program. Because of that, I try to be the model student so that they'll leave me alone, but I'm still bipolar and still having episodes... and that's hard (if not impossible) to hide. I tried going to the clinic today, but between a certain degree of emotional exhaustion and the klonopin, I was useless and had to go home at lunch.

My psychiatrist friend (a former preceptor who is himself bipolar - not my doc) gave me the following advice in an email tonight:

Control is nothing more than a illusion; if not delusion. Management is key -- an excellent surfer does not control the wave AT ALL, right?

Delusion of Control: OK, I am having a rough time, but I can control this - I can go into work, do what I need to do, and no one will know...

Good Management: I am not as healthy as I would like - it is obvious to my friends and family. I want to think I am healthy and can do my routine... But if I try, I won't accomplish much, and likely will look 'not well' to everyone. I think I will stay home and do some laundry, and rest up and get better...

Less fighting the illness, more working WITH it. Not an easy task.

Take a few days easy.

This is something I'm still struggling to learn and work out in life. It's hard when you feel so much pressure to meet various demands. I need to learn to take it easy without feeling too guilty about it... and I have to stand up for myself if my faculty (or whoever) questions my poor attendance this week.

It's 3am. I should really go to bed...