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silentwhisper · Aug 18, 2010, 07:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by (JD)

"IT" can. I'm sorry for your experience, it was traumatic. While the memories probably won't ever go away, it does sound like you need to process it more to allow it to diminish.

Everyone has those "what if" thoughts, you are not alone.

We all want to have done our best, to change the world, or at least the world right around us. Fact is, people make their own decisions about their own lives. Sometimes, it isn't a good one for those around. I have some "what ifs" about my mom, yet I am reminded that there were two family professionals (myself and my sister) taking turns and working together to try and do the best ... and yet ? So if 2 of us couldn't ... then it wasn't going to be.

I'm sorry your uncle was in such a sad state that he felt the only way to get out of it was that route.

If you've researched the situation and found all the details you could, then surely you realize that you could not have done anything more than you did -- or you would have! Sounds to me like he made it so you didn't know, yet I don't know how young you were or any of the situation.

The desire to have had some control is common, I think. IF we only had taken control, WE would have made things better. The idea of not having control of our environment and those we love can be unsettling at times. But even if you'd had control, it was still a decision he made, not you.
You aren't responsible for what he did. I'm sorry he messed up your life.

Now, you have a choice to realize this sad, sad thing happened but process it and then by doing so you allow the brain to file it away. You can still take those feelings and memories down out of the file from time to time, take time to think about it and maybe cry, and then put them back away and back up into the files. That's the best we can do with such memories.

But they don't have to run your life any more.

Just reading what you wrote causes the tears to stream down. My uncle worked hard. That song "Daddy's Hands" described him so well. My mom was/is very unstable so I spent much of my childhood years with my Maw-Maw. My aunts and uncles would always try to include me in their family activities. I remember my uncle often driving me to the bus stop for school and making sure I had money for lunch or a snack or activities. Well, I went away to college. I was the first in my extended family to go to college and to leave home. I broke the cardinal rule about family sticking together. I was working in the college cafeteria when they pulled me out to tell me. My college paid for me to come home for the funeral. None wanted to pick me up at the airport; noone wanted to talk to me about it. I remeber the screams and heartwrenching cries of my Maw-Maw at night. I did not want to go back to college but I did. A few months later I was talking with my mom on the phone. She told me it was over and hung up. I couldn't reach her. I screamed thru my dorm. My RD had me calm down. I called the police near home. It was so awkward as Mom was living with some guy I barely knew much less knew the answers to all the questions. Luckily I grew up in a small town enough area that I described to them how to get there. They found her in time to save her. Sadly, I attempted suicide myself after I started having flashbacks so I too have left that mark on my kids albeit not as deep as the one felt by the loss of my uncle. I just can only imagine how much pain he must have felt to be able to put a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger. And I was not there. I left my family in the search of something better only to lose one of the most important people in my life. What a price to pay for an education.