(((zoo))) Wow, thank you so much -- thanks everyone for riding along with me. I can't believe there is a place like PC. I really feel like you guys are here with me and it makes it somewhat easier to deal with all this.

JD, thanks for the congrats. I have bunches of healthy coping mechanisms my T and I have talked about, but.. I don't want to think I am being healthy right now. I'm going to try to stop cutting so my T is not sad anymore, and so that I can stop at 40 and keep the symbolism, but it just wouldn't motivate me to think I am doing good things for myself. I guess I'm still in self-destruct mode.

Ocean, I am feeling.. frustrated. Self-destructive. Like I want to replace the cutting with something else that is harmful. Last night I just ate a lot of junk food to make myself feel better. Better than cutting but it was with the intention of self-harm, so I'm not sure. My one friend IRL who knows about all this checked on me today to see if I got through the night without SI. When she congratulated me for getting through the night, I felt sick to my stomach and kind of angry. I don't want this to be an accomplishment. I don't want to succeed. But I will bite my tongue and get through this.

Thanks BlackCanary. I hate being such an adolescent but glad to know I am helping you. Does acting immature in therapy help us, or does it hinder our progress? I guess being honest about the way we feel is a way to progress, but sometimes it feels like it is just pedaling backward.

*sigh* I'm at work, avoiding work. So depressed today.