I am frustrated with my session yesterday. My T is so willing to "go where I need to go" but I got too embarrassed to be completely honest with her. It's SO hard for me to be in this kind of therapy where T wants me to "feel" something in the session. That's always been my goal but it embarrasses me.

T and I both wanted to stick with the IFS and not do EMDR. She wanted to do more hand holding because it seemed so healing for me. But this time I was more embarrassed about it than before, and it didn't feel so great. I kept my eyes closed for almost the whole session; I just couldn't open them.

I started talking about my "running around the room fantasy", which is about wanting to be held, but somehow only was able to say "but you wouldn't do that". I know she'll hug me, but holding is different. So, I was frustrated on the couch, with her telling me "don't fight it", but I was too embarrassed to say what I wanted, because I knew it wouldn't work, would be a boundary crossing, and it would be awkward. So I said I wanted to lie down instead. She said that was okay, so she went to sit on her chair again. Well, I didn't want her to go, but I couldn't say that.

When I left I said I'd probably cry in the car, and she said crying was okay. She asked if was okay to leave. I was.

I had to email her at night about how embarrassed I was, and she already emailed me back with a very nice response.

I wish holding her hand would have felt as good as it did the last two sessions. I wish I still didn't feel frustrated and sad. She told me I could imagine her voice and get to the safe place I got to before the hand-holding. That was in the beginning of the session, and it felt nice. She's glad I'm asking my H for more because the goal is to "get my needs met" from people in my RL. She said in time it will be less about her.

This therapy has the potential to be really healing for me if I don't die of embarrassment first. I want to be totally honest with my T, but then I get scared. She's so easy to talk to, and so understanding, but I still get stuck and embarrassed. She thinks I'm doing great, though.

I guess I won't die from embarrassment. T said in the email that she's not judging me. It's so complicated, though. I can be honest with her and still not get what I want. She's not going to hold me. She wants me to "hold myself" or get it from others. Yet she will hold my hand like I want her to. She would hug me if I could not be embarrassed to want it. I don't know if I want it. Holding is different. The little girl wants to be held, not hugged. The adult was too much present at my session and she messed things up for the child.

This session was confusing for me, but it still helps to post about it. I always gain something from my session, but I wish I could have felt that same comfort as I did the last times. Please could I have responses?