I feel so, so far away from my T. We had a kind of misunderstanding or small rupture on Monday and I've been ok with it since then, basically. That really, REALLY feels like more than 2 days ago, by the way.

I think I've moved past the "T, you can't hurt me because I don't care anyway" phase and into the "oh $hit, did I push T too far? Is she gone? Is she mad at me?" insecurity. Which, considering how much time I spend in this kind of place, you'd think I'd be accustomed to it by now, but I'm not. It hurts and it's scary.

I sent T an email yesterday, just a short one asking for a letter I need from her for court. But I was hoping I'd hear back from her and feel a little connected that way. The more time that goes by without me hearing from her, the further away she feels. I'm not even sure she exists out there in the world at this point. She feels so far away, has FELT so far away, even during my session on Monday I wondered where she was, because she wasn't really there.

this is just really hard and discouraging. I don't know if I'll ever not be like this.