Oh ((((((((((((((zoo))))))))))))))))), I can SO relate to this.

I have needed to check with T over and over and over again through the years to make sure that I am okay, that he is okay with me, that he doesn't hate me and wish I would dissappear, that he is not tired of me or my story, etc. etc. Even in the security of the relationship now, I *still* need to check. A lot of the voice mails he leaves me after session are about that reassurance: "we're still good, I still care about you, etc etc"

I think that for me, I've never heard from ANYONE that I am okay just how I am, however that is. And after years and years and years of not hearing that, it takes a lot of "you are okay" to undo it.

It helped me a lot to talk about it to T. He told me that he would give me the reassurance for as long as I needed it, because his words are true, and because it's easy to say things that are true. And slowly, slowly, slowly over time, the need is diminishing, and I am starting to find the place inside myself that knows I am okay.

I think that we tend to put a LOT of pressure on ourselves to get better "NOW"!, and that healing doesn't happen that way. If we had cancer, we wouldn't expect ourselves to get better instantly just because we wanted to really badly. We would get our treatments and allow them to take as long as they take. This is like that. Time takes time.

You aren't alone, ((((((((((zoo)))))))))))) Keep posting, reach out to T, let yourself rest a little bit in the support that is here for you.