Okie...this is a bit awkward but it's been bugging me.

First, I am a "survivor" of CSA. Then at 14, I got really really drunk, was raped by a 19 year old, and I got pregnant; miscarried at 6 weeks.

Just after my 15th birthday, I met this guy and 4 days later we had sex. It all happened really fast; one minute we were making out, the next he was leading me to a back room and undressing. It hurt really bad, and it wasn't enjoyable at all. Both the rape and the sex lasted less than 15 minutes. Oh, and this a**hole (who for some reason I stayed with for a year) was incredibly emotionally abusive; he lived in GA, and I in WI, but even by phone he was awful. When I told him about the rape, he started ranting about how sick he was of hearing about all his girlfriends or friends girls saying they were raped.

Last year (I think, my sense of time is a bit fuzzy), I had a threesome with my ex (I was dating him then) and my best friend. I'd taken around 30 painkillers, was so out of it I literally couldn't feel anything as my ex was (apparently) fingering, going down on, and trying to penetrate me. Again, PAIN.

Since my ex broke up with me since I wouldn't (or couldn't) have sex with him (I kept having panic attacks every time he'd try foreplay), I haven't had sex, dated, or even thought about dating anyone. Even the thought of sex now is enough to give me a panic attack.

I hate it! I'm only 18; everyone else my age is having sex right and left, and I'm jealous, as stupid as it sounds. I'm enraged that these stupid f*cking men ruined what is supposed to be one of the best things in my life. I want to be able to have sex (with a guy I love); I want to be able to share that with someone. I don't want any more relationships to be thrown away because they can't go without sex for long enough to let me trust them!

Ugh. Sorry, ranting. Dunno what the point of this was, just kinda getting it out there. Seeing if anyone has advice or similar experience...Sorry.