(((((Zoo))))),
I think you are leaving too many questions up in the air & then when you left the message for your T, you sort of didn't directly ask about what was bothering you....you put a lot of the other stuff in first about the what was going on in the therapy which clouded your real question which dealt with abandonment (your real concern here).
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I did call T a little while ago and left her a message. I apologized for calling, because I had just talked to her not too long before, and both during that conversation and during my session today she seemed distant and distracted and...not herself. I said I figured out why this is so triggering for me and that it comes back to abandonment, like always. That I feel like she's changed the game in the middle and if the game is different, do the same rules still apply? Will she still go with me through the trauma, all the way, until I'm done? That I trusted her when she said that but that I'm afraid it's not true anymore.
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It seems to me that she got caught on the comments about the changes in the therapy which you had been so worried about that it clouded her from really answering about whether the same rules applied. Sometimes when we beat around the bush & try to word what we are saying carefully, we end up NOT saying what we really want to be said. Think you should have just come out & said it like you did here. Worried that you were only allowed 2 years like she had originally said for therapy & was wondering if the change in technique was going to effect that time frame & you need to know that if it takes longer than the 2 years, whether you will have to end therapy with her & find another therapist or if she will stick with you until the end?
Sometimes we just have to be straight forward in what we ask & need to know rather than trying to word it in "the right way" because we don't want be so direct....problem when we aren't direct with our questions, then the other party usually isn't direct in their answer & only assumes what you are really saying.
She already told you that she felt that by telling your story that you were being re-traumatized by it in a worse way than she felt you needed to be.
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she said that starting next week we are going to do things differently. That the way we've been doing this work seems to her to be "long and dragged out and may be retraumatizing" me. She said it's as if we have "frankenstein boots on" ( ) and are just slogging through it, causing more pain.
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We need to know how to handle triggers when we are going over past traumas in our own life just as much as we need to know how to handle triggers that other people say when they are talking about their stuff. This is probably why she felt it was a good time to work on how you handle triggers so that you will be able to handle more trauma work better in the future & won't end up triggering yourself so badly & end up in so much pain in the future when continuing on with the trauma work. While working on the trigger work, issues from your past trauma will come up as information on triggers you need to learn how to handle which will continue to bring out your trauma work....& not really stop it, but it will work though your trigger work in a logical way.
It was good that you voiced your fear over the change in methods for your therapy, but you haven't been good at really speaking clearly about what the abandonment issues actually are. Life itself let alone therapy doesn't work well when our communication leaves so much unsaid with so many questions & "what do they really mean by this" wordings.
In looking at all of your "maybe's", it really seems like all you really want to know is that at the end of the 2 years your T originally specified, she won't end therapy just because the 2 years is up (no matter how she approached the trauma). That is really all you need to ask her & let her know that is what your real fear is......don't have to mention anything about the therapy method or anything else, but just the fact that you need to know if handling the trauma takes more than the 2 years that she originally anticipated, will she continue with you as long as it takes?
Interesting, I have been in therapy since 1994 when my anxiety first hit (when I was 41). It was really all about loosing my career which was the start of my problems.....then so many other things have come along in my life along those years.....honestly, I don't think I will ever end up without therapy. I went 2 years without therapy when I left my husband in California & moved to KY, but now that I am back in therapy, not only about the trauma I went through 5 years ago (along the way), but it's just about having someone to talk to & work through things that are bothering me (alot is stuff surrounding the trauma 5 years ago) but there are so many issues that I'm dealing with in life, it's just wonderful to have someone to be able to talk life through with when I don't have anyone in my life & don't want to bog down my friends with the things that are bothering me. For me, everything gets thrown together in therapy without specific work on the trauma which is a no where close to the serious trauma's that most of you have gone through......but I can't imagine ever not being in therapy especially now that I have a good psychologist that I am seeing.....so much different than the psychologist I was seeing in California who never participated in the therapy but just sat there & listened.....ugh.
Most people I have known in therapy have it as a life long process because there are always things that come up in life along the way that it's important to have that professional support to get through it.....a never ending process......jmo.
I would directly ask your T about the 2 year mark & that is what really has you worried. When you get through that stress, I am sure you will breath a huge sigh of relief & will be more than ready to deal with therapy. When we have a huge fear that keep underlying everything, it's too distracting to even focus on the issues that we really need to be focused on......I am sure that your T will stick with you indefinitely & is really something you don't have to worry about, but it's good to hear it from her specifically. After that is resolved, you can explain that is why you were really worried about the change in therapy method because you were afraid it was going to make it much longer than 2 years, even though in reality, the way you were going was probably going to take longer than the 2 years also & she never thought about that as an issue.
Hope you get this resolved so that you can finally feel peaceful with your therapy & your T again. Sometimes we end up with these rough communication spots with our T in order to teach us how to better communicate between each other our thoughts in a more straight forward way (on both parts), so that both end up not assuming what the other is actually saying.....it's sort of a growth process in the relationship & is really a good thing even though it doesn't feel that way at the time.
Sorry to go on & on so much....just seemed like when I got started, the thoughts just kept coming on this topic & hope that some of it will make sense.
Debbie