well, it's not easy. Nobody's pretending it's easy. It's in my nature to hide my feelings, to live deep inside my head, as cut off from the world and other people as possible.

So, yeah, I get that sick feeling before T, almost every week, still. After nearly 2 years. I hyperventilate in the bathroom in the lobby. I sit outside & smoke until the last possible moment. I go in there with jaw clenched and shaking hands and just try to keep breathing.

My T is really, really good at cutting through that tension I have built up all around me and giving me a place to let it down for a while. She is calm and centered and strong. She reminds me, over and over and over, that I'm safe now. She helps me stay present when everything in me wants to check out.

I don't know, I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know WHAT I do that makes me able to say these things to her. I think I just have a really good T.

That, and I really truly could live the life I'd been living anymore. Something had to change. So when I came to therapy I told myself I'd do the opposite of everything I'd always done before, because that wasn't working out for me, to say the least. I just keep pushing and pushing myself to do the opposite of what I would have done before. It works for me. :shrug:

And there are times when I have only said a very few words in session. I think once I might have said "by the park" and that's it. The rest of the time was spent freaking out about having said those 3 words.