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darkpurplesecrets · Aug 19, 2010, 08:38 PM

Triggering----triggering----------------

I feel a feeling of fear so thick it is almost swallowing me in its depths. My head it hurts with a pain I have never allowed myself to feel. A feeling I did not even know existed or at least one I have never acknowledged. A feeling that feels I have known it yet it is so far away but for the first time grabbing me. A feeling I have known somewhere yet closed off to me. I am not supposed to need anyone----no one at all.

That was the rules, the way. To feel this much makes me feel too vulnerable. I do not belong anywhere with anyone. I was left alone, told no one needs anyone, that I was a problem, that I had no worth, that I was the biggest mistake ever made, that I was just to perform, that my own worth was nothing. I have never needed no one for a nothing----never needs, never wants, never feels, never tells. Nothing is----nothing, an empty shell void of all. Nothing means----nothing. And no one needs a nothing for they have no worth, no reason for being, for nothing cannot be heard for it has nothing to say nothing of importance----nothing at all.

I have always known I was nothing. So where is this coming from? I did things with nothing showing----no feelings, no emotions, and no thought, just did----where is this coming from. Where? I was told how to feel, how to react, how to think, what to do. I felt what they allowed me to feel and I knew to not feel anything else and really there were no other feelings, for when there were there were beatings, punishment, lights, pain. It was not worth feeling or even knowing they existed.

It was okay for me to hurt, to be hurt, to hurt myself, but I never wanted anyone else to hurt. It was always my fault if they did and I had to somehow take that pain and hurt from them. Sometimes I could but many times I paid a price for them hurting. This is why they did what they did because I made them. I asked them to hurt me and I thanked them for their punishment. Then it became my fault----always my fault. No one but me----just be good and then no one hurt and they would not have to punish me. See, it hurt them to punish me they said----it hurt them more than me. Yet, I was the one that needed it no one else.

Somehow if I could hurt badly enough it would make up for everyone else hurting, I always felt that was my job, my duty. I push and push for everyone to get mad at me and hate me because I feel I deserve no one. I feel if I push everyone away first then no one is ever hurt by me. If no one cares then I have done my job----do not feel, do not talk. Somewhere over these last three years some part of me came alive, a part I did not know existed, a part that is not supposed to be.

Others hurt because of me, others got sick from the simple fact they knew me, everyone walks away because my wall does not allow anyone that close. But the wall is crumbling and I do not know what to do. I never felt this before and I never knew I could or even had the ability to. This pain is real and for the first time it is my pain. For the first time I realize that even a nothing feels something, deep, deep inside.

Even a nothing needs to be loved and wanted somewhere in this world. I feel so cold, so alone, so hurt. For the first time I feel. For so long I was oblivion to even my own self. I moved in motion knowing it was okay to feel for others but no one could feel for me. I had to block away everything and denied everything. No feelings, not really, no thoughts, or at least not really known. And I am terrified. I do not know how or what or why but I know.

For the past several months now something has been happening. Somehow feeling and needing would sneak in and I tried to shut it down and push it back. Some part of me was not supposed to know, some part of me was and is supposed to stop this. Some part is trying. I am torn and fighting for my life, literally. A feeling that I am to end myself is screaming at me and getting stronger. To realize feelings is to die. I do not want to die, somewhere inside. I feel I am moving in motions with something foreign yet dangerous. I am really afraid.

Maybe I should not be writing this but then maybe again maybe I should. I have tried so hard to keep to myself. I have tried not to bother anyone. I do not know if it is okay or if I am closing myself off in this fear. I cannot seem to find the words to say what I want so much to say. I am afraid, as is everyone. I am trying to open up trying to reach out from this darkness and make some sort of sense to someone. There is crying and screaming within and my own self without. I am so afraid of what is taking place both within and without.

How do I connect the dots that have no connection? It is loud and my head hurts. I want to scream and I feel very anxious like I cannot really breath very well. I want to hurt but yet I fight. I feel so alone here and so little. Nothing makes sense as I grasp for a way to let out what I feel, this pain that is tearing me apart. I am afraid----something that I keep saying. Am I losing myself? Am I becoming that little one who really does not know anything or anyone? I can feel scared----I can connect the dots to that feeling. It is known and a real part of who I am.

It is that little part that is NOTHING. Trained and taught----bad and worthless----made for them----and once again I can see the dots connect there. These I know and they are part of me that seems to be there----ever present.

How do I write the loudness that is piercing? I try to speak it out in words but the silence is better because no one can hear this craziness. Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts are so loud that someone hears. At times it is like no one would understand yet at times maybe they would. At times it pierces my head and feels like someone is hurting me. But I do not say that because no one is here. I do not want to say that very loud, the voices only get bigger. Is this what it is like to go insane?

Sometimes I do not know what to do. I stare thinking you should know but I cannot connect the dots of what it is. My head is hurting and I do not feel real yet I watch in amazement words coming across this screen. What you must think. I feel scared and lost and I wonder what will happen if I remember, if I allow anyone to really see what I am holding. Writing I feel conflicting feelings, part wanting to scream out this anguish part wanting to shut down out of fear of rejection or being in trouble. I feel right now that I am being swallowed up but it is loud. Maybe if I keep writing something will break. That somehow I will release some form of what is happening and feeling.

Time just keeps ticking but it feels as though this night will last forever. I feel like some sort of puzzle that is never complete----you can have some idea of what it looks like but it is never for sure. These feelings are real and I am feeling them but terror is too. Does anyone hear me or does it even matter.

Right now nothing makes sense and the pain pushes on and fear radiates every part of my being. Sleep does not come and silent screams continuously scream but no one hears no one knows. The memory I am seeing and feeling does not go away. How does one tell anyone of what lies within silent screams that echo only within myself and those within? How do we release these very feelings that are so unknown and terrifying as I sit here feeling anything but okay.

My heart hurts and tears falls down like sheets of rain. I am feeling cold and unsure of even this room or these words. All I know is it hurts and I need anyone right now to hear what I cannot seem to say. But I am reaching and trying. Please. I am scared. Even though this night is not the night from long ago it feels just as real and as strong as if it were happening all over again. And I do not know how to feel this and I am so alone. And I feel that terror once again.

dps