Thanks, Zoo. T today was intense. Much crying (not usual for me) T was very helpful, very present. Just seemed to know how to help, when I felt very overwhelmed and very much alone. So it may be like this for a while, she talked about healthy dependency and needing to grab onto something before you can let it go. And it felt scary and new, but okay for the first time in a long time. So things are feeling worse, but in many ways they are better too, it's a mixed bag and right now my T holds more hope and says that she can see progress. So I have been with her long enough now to trust (2 years) not a blind trust, but a trust built on past experiences with her.
So next week I have two evening appointments! I'm going to try to keep focusing on what positive behaviors I CAN do, and reaching out to others til Tuesday. Maybe I can leave some of this intensity and bad stuff alone for a little while.