Again, thanks all. It's sort of overwhelming to think of replying to you all but BELIEVE ME it is a HUGE comfort to me to come here and feel like you're all actually THERE. It's like never really being alone.

Thanks rainbow and lookingforpolaris for the concern, but I'm not going to the hospital. I don't have health insurance, for one, and anyway, I'll get by. I've never been in the hospital for mental health and I just don't.. I just can't do that. No way. I have a friend I can call if in need though. She used to work in a crisis center / inpatient unit and she is my friend IRL who knows about my struggle. She knows a lot about SI, suicidality, etc. Today I showed her my cuts because I was scared they were getting infected and she even is going to bring me some antibiotics she has stockpiled. So I guess I'm trying to say I have a friend who cares about me, who sees me several times a week, and I'm pretty sure I can call her if I need help.

BlackCanary, yes, still 40. I'm definitely not going over that number.

I have therapy tomorrow night. Well.. *looks at clock* technically tonight. At 6:30. Blah, I don't want to go. I picked out all the scabs of my cuts again with a blade today.. so technically the only day I went without SI this week was Tuesday. So, great. I get to talk about why I can't stop the SI. Should make for a FANTASTIC hour of therapy.