Droberge, I had a somewhat similiar experience to you. Long story, but ultimately I went to a psychiatrist + clinical psychologists, etc. It's like people have said: thoughts are just that: thoughts, they do not define you. Don't feel bad/guilty about those thoughts. I think trying to suppress yourself from thinking about something can be counterproductive, it just makes things worse. Talk to someone about them if you can, like a doctor, counsellor, psychologist? Or a good friend you can trust. Don't bottle it up. Take care, ok?