first of all -sorry so lengthy

so appt with jeremy - went ok, i threw out a lot of things that i hadnt told him before. I also expressed my feelings about this intensive day program experience and how i felt with both therapists leaving me in limbo after it.

he told me that he had no intention of not working with me and that he has been saying that to me each time we have met - but that i get defensive when i am feeling abandoned. He was hesitant to breach some topics for fear that i would misunderstand so i told him to just put it out there and i could answer him back with "what i'm hearing you say is ______" which made him laugh and say someone had been working on their active listening skills.

He expressed concern that he would not be available enough for me - and that if i had a problem that i would be out there on my own and he didnt feel that was acceptable. And that perhaps i would be better off with someone with less rigid boundaries and more availability to take phone calls and deal with things as they came up.

But then later told me that he would not work with me with out an emergency contact - but no one i know is able to be an available contact for me - told him i cant give him something i dont have - but he refused to see me anymore with out it - i gave in and gave him my boyfriends number - but he doesnt answer when i call - why would jeremy have any better luck? and i told jeremy that. I also told him that he would not be hearing from me between sessions so how would he even know if i was in trouble. He brought up that i did call him. I had called for clarification once - my question was if i am in trouble do you want me to call you also or only call the emergency numbers that he provided to me - and that was when he sent me to the day program and "invited me into therapy" (with someone else)

I was feeling ok in the session until the end when he became very rigid - he told me he was not being punitive - but that is how it felt and i told him it was not fair for him to treat me like that. he also brought up my tendency to become suicidal and reacted very negatively to it - told me it was hard to genuinely care about some one when they are suicidal.

he wants me in group therapy preferably with DBT therapist in addition to working with him - but he has no groups in mind - did mention that eventually he wants one at his practice but does not have enough people in need of one for it to work. And this is another condition of my therapy with him - so i asked him where does that put us - he said we could continue to work for a few weeks while we looked for a group - but with out it, he will not work with me.

I dont know what to do. On the one hand i have the best connection with him and Joel that i have had with any of my therapists - but there are so many rules/boundaries/conditions that my head is spinning - i spent 5 hours on the internet trying to find a group - but they are all so far away and sooooo expensive. I am a bit crushed right now.

i seem to keep hitting brick walls - stumbling blocks - is it always this hard?